1St Valentine’s Day

Today is our first Valentine’s Day together, my daughter and I. She is 10 months old and what a busy 10 months it has been. I originally started this blog because we were having troubles getting pregnant. So I thought if I wrote about it, I wouldn’t hold the anxiety inside. Then I got pregnant and that has become a blur of a memory and now my days are consumed with working full-time and being a wife and mother. Not an easy task my friends. I had a co-worker the other day pay a complement about me to another coworker, and how she admires I put family first. I try to put everything first, my problem. If money were no object, I would be a fulltime mom, “working” outside the home would not even be in my vocabulary. But since we live in a big city and it costs money to live here, I work. Anyway, I have been thing about revamping my blog and only to write down my life with my daughter. I have been trying to keep tabs on the firsts over the last 10 months on my phone, so I can have these random milestones somewhere, and I will be able to share with her one day. We are so lucky to live in this day and age to have these tools to keep tabs on how it once was. My mom has vague memories of my childhood and although I appreciate her little snippets of memory, I still would love to share with my daughter how she has changed my life (and hubby too).

So, I am putting this out there, I am going to write at least once a week, and I hope more. Maybe one day I will share this blog with my friends and family, but for now, I am just going to stay anonymous and see how it goes. Who knows, I may not have time for it (seems to be the going rate these days) and this is an empty promise as it was before. But truly, having a baby changes your life. It’s not empty promises, it’s just your life has a new meaning.

My darling Daughter, my goal is to save all these writings, thoughts, accolades, triumphs and falls with you. To show you how you came to be, and how you have influenced my life. To show you, you are my greatest accomplishment and will always be my priority.

 

 

 

Revamping the blog

I have been thinking about revamping the blog. I originally came here because I was so stressed about getting pregnant, I needed someone to talk to, I couldn’t muster the thought of going back to therapy, although, therapy has helped me so many times in the past. But I thought, maybe if I blog and find others out there in the same situation as I am in, that will root for me. Trust me, I did/do have a great support system, but they are my family and dear friends, and would tell me the things I wanted to hear. I needed an unbiased opinion. Then, I got pregnant and things got real, really quick. I was “sick” for most of my pregnancy. In the beginning, it was nausea from the moment I started moving when I woke up until I went to bed at night. Not.fun.at.all. Then I switched projects at my work, and blogging became near impossible. Everything became overwhelming… looking back, I am sad that I didn’t enjoy my pregnancy more than I thought I would. I am not a spring chicken, but I am not old my any means, but the pregnancy was rough. Maybe pregnancies are always rough, but no one shares this tidbit with others, because OH we have a sweet baby at the end of it.

My baby is almost 7 months old. She is the joy and the light of my life. No joke. But honestly, what mother doesn’t say this. I am EVER so grateful, that she is in my life. I tell her this all the time, and thank God he brought her to me and that I was chosen to be her mother. I have been thinking for awhile, I want to write my experiences about being her mother, to her. I would really love to do a handwritten journal, but I am sure by time she reads this, handwriting will be so passé.

So, I maybe back…

 

32 Weeks

How did I get here?! I have 8 weeks to go and not sure where the time went. I remember when I started this blog; I did it to release frustrations of trying to get pregnant, of the tribulations of my marriage, and just to find balance of my day-to-day. I learned a long time ago, that writing is therapeutic. I have kept a journal/diary pretty much my whole life. Not so much later in life, but I do have random journals around the house that have the first few pages filled in. I have a tendency to hold things in, so when I write about it, I let it out and get it off my chest and I can move on. When I read blogs, I tend to get turned off by negativity, and think in my head, “oh, get over it and move on”, not realizing these other people have the same thought process as me. That is the main reason why I have not written here, because the last 10 weeks or so have been emotionally rough for me. Not only the physical aspect of this pregnancy, but the dealing with others and their feelings towards this pregnancy, just has me in a cranky mood. I don’t want to be, but it’s what has happened.

I will be the first person to tell another, pregnancy is not easy. Maybe so for a 20-something, but being in my late 30’s, its rough.  Medically, my pregnancy is going perfect. I am EVER so grateful for that. But the physical ailments wear me down. Swollen feet/ankles, lower back achiness, trouble sleeping, etc. The midwives are still on me about my weight gain, in which I think I am fine, but they are harping on me to get exercise and I just laugh. Sure, I tell them after working a full busy day, the last think I want to do is walk briskly outside for 30 mins in Midwestern winter. I try my best, I am doing my best. Isn’t that all I can do?! To add to all of that, I am emotionally getting a beat down from my mother. The one person in my life that I didn’t think would be so selfish during this time, but she is and my sister too. I am being tagged teamed by my family. Makes me want to run away.  I have always been the daughter/sibling that doesn’t talk back, which leads to me bottling things up and writing my frustrations, but I am passive when it comes to family things. The one time I spoke my mind to my sister, we didn’t talk for 3 years! It strained me and my family, but of course, it was MY fault, because I “know how she is”. I bowed down and now we are a “happy” family. I tiptoe around my sister, but the relationship with my mother, I always thought was good. It must be something in these pregnancy hormones, and I am seeing a different light of her. Her and my sister are one in the same, and are making MY pregnancy about them! I could tell you a good story about Thanksgiving, but I won’t even go there. I just want to forget about it, truthfully. But the latest is that my mother thinks she isn’t being involved enough with my pregnancy and my sister is pushing a $1k glider on me! No one is listening to me, I talk and they say “but….”.  And when I voice my opinion, I am the sensitive one, why am I jumping on them – sheesh. It makes me want to scream. My shower is a just under 2 weeks away, and I planned most of it. Sure, that’s my bad habit, but I like planning things and was helping my mom out. Now, my sister has pushed her way in and is insisting that I have to have things at my shower (it is being hosted by the grandparents – plus I didn’t want her involved and that goes back to her wedding). I just wanted something simple, with close friends and family (not my mother’s second cousin, whose shower she went to 8 years ago and its payback time). But this event turned out to be a 40+ invite guest list (which only half has RSVP’d), at a restaurant and with extra stuff I didn’t want. I am old enough to know what I want and what I don’t want, how hard is that for others to respect?!

I can go on and on, but I won’t. I don’t want to remember these parts of the process. I want to remember the good parts. For example, how excited my husband is for this baby. Ever since we found out we are having a girl, he is over the moon for her. In the beginning, he didn’t have an opinion on her room, or anything except naming her. Ha! Now, he is so involved, I feel really blessed to have him by my side. He makes me laugh, he goes out of his way for me, he helps me walk over icy sidewalks, and being a loving, devoted father-to-be. Sure he complains about my snoring, but only in a joking way and understands it’s a pregnancy thing. (Seriously though… its part of the reason WHY I sleep so badly, I wake myself up!). He picked the color and painted her room, we decided together on her crib and furniture and he has bought 90% of her wardrobe. It’s something that we always do, we decide things together. We work well together and he is truly my best friend. I look forward to this new journey with him and the way we will interact raising our daughter.

Yes, we have a name. Something I never thought I would do before my child was born, but it just happened. Unfortunately, anyone close to us knows it too. My husband has told everyone! I guess that is the one thing that has been driving me crazy. His point is to get feedback on it and my point is, I don’t care what others think. I knew when we told people, they would not be too fond of it. It’s different, but the more I think about it, it fits us. I just hope it will fit her! My mother had the most opinion, like I knew she would. Everyone has an opinion! I didn’t want others 2 cents. Seriously, I don’t want someone else’s thoughts to change our thoughts. They are not her parents and don’t have a decision in this matter. Of course, my mother STILL pushes her name. NO THANK YOU!

Only 8 weeks until I get to meet her, the one who has been kicking me and being a growing machine. 8 weeks until I can see her pretty face and count all her toes and fingers. 8 more weeks until I know if she looks like me, or my husband or a nice blend of the both of us. Only 8 more weeks, until my body is my own. 😉

Gender Reveal

Last week, we had our 20wk ultrasound. I really feel this whole experience is a whirlwind and the ultrasound was no different. We were early, our tech took us early. I felt I was rushed into the tiny room, pull down your pants, a few towels for modesty and clean up after. Lots of goo, which was warm, nice touch. She explained she is going to do her thing and then she will show is baby and if we are inclined, we can try to see the “goods”. From there on, my husband was a joke a minute about the gender. Maybe he was nervous and this was a tick for him.

My husband kept sneaking peeks at the monitor. Finally, she moved the screen and BABY! No alien! Whahoo! The tiny face, hands, legs, spine, strong beating heart. From my point of view, healthy looking baby. I was in complete awe, we are having a baby. Believe it or not, I didn’t cry. I thought for sure, I would be balling, I even wore waterproof mascara. No need, I was elated, nothing was going to pop my bubble.

Then we went hunting for the deciding moment, boy or girl. Our baby, was mover and a shaker, it was hard, then she stopped, and the view was undeniable… We are having a GIRL! Ah, such sweet relief. I think at that moment, my husband was over the moon. I haven’t seen him this excited yet, and he hasn’t stopped talking about it.

Truly, we are blessed. I truly didn’t think we would get here. I remember when she was conceived, I just knew it didn’t work. We only did the deed three times, and to me seem not the right times. I was also ready to give up… I am so grateful, we didn’t, I am so grateful that we are where we are.

20 weeks and jabs

I am here, 20 weeks in and 20 weeks to go. I cannot believe I am half way done with this pregnancy. The first half was a bit much, between the nausea, learning how to eat and the constant rush of hormones, I don’t know if I would want to do it all over again. Not that I am not grateful, I can already hear the comments in others heads over this. Trust me I was there, I used to have the same ones… at least you are pregnant. Yes, I am SO ever SO grateful that I am pregnant. I waited for too many years, and tried for too long, to not be grateful, but there is a point when you just say yeah, I am glad that part is over.

Jabs… Yep, I am being jabbed by the baby. What a weird feeling?!?! It scared me at first, and really put the perspective that I have another human growing inside of me, albeit a bit alien, but it’s something. I described to my sister, it’s like the slow motion punch… I feel like I feel the going in and coming out of the jab. I envision the baby’s back is along the back of my body (spine to spine) and facing forward. Mostly, I feel it above my public bone, which is more like kicks and not jabs. Sugar usually gets the baby going. Since, I am addicted to candy; I usually feel the dancing soon after. The last few days, I have been only feeling the kicking at night, usually around 7 until I go to sleep. They say the baby replicates its sleep pattern when they will be on the outside of the womb, if that’s the case; I have a night owl on my hands! (So unlike her/his parents, we are early risers).

Funny story, the other night the cats woke me up and I was sleeping on my left side. They were hissing and growling at each other (okay, resident cat was hissing/growling. New cat is too good!) but I jumped up and I think I startled the baby, because I felt a something on the inside. It’s hard to described, but I think I scared him/her. Poor thing… probably was dreaming of lemonheads and I squashed that dream.

Ultrasound is on Wednesday. I am nervous and excited. I cannot wait to hear the heartbeat, see the silhouette, and make sure all the parts are where they should be and all the organs looking healthy. Fingers crossed that everything is happy and healthy!

 

How far along? 20 weeks

Total weight gain: 6 lbs (will find out for sure on the 29^th)

Stretch marks? None

Sleep: Sleeping okay, I do a lot of tossing and turning, so some frequent trips to the bathroom.

Best moment this week: 20w ultrasound on Wednesday and we will find out if we are having a boy or a girl!!!

Miss Anything? Sushi and wine (that is the latest)

Movement: Yes! Since, week 18. At first it felt like a brush against my belly button, now I get the jabs. It’s a pretty surreal feeling.

Food cravings: Candy – all kinds of sweet candy and not so much chocolate, but lemonheads, jolly ranchers, etc.

Gender: Still feeling it’s a girl, I call her a “her”, but it will probably be a boy. Everyone I mention this to, they claim they thought one and it was the other.

Labor Signs: No

Symptoms: Nothing, feeling great.

Belly Button: in or out? In, but it’s stretching thin.

Wedding rings on or off? On, but most days I don’t put on because it’s becoming more difficult to take them off. Maybe need to monitor my salt intake (been noticing some swelling).

Happy or Moody most of the time: Still moody, but getting more and more elated by all of this.

Looking forward to: Wednesday, baby!  Cannot wait for the gender reveal.

 

 

Quickening

When I went to my midwife’s appointment 2 weeks ago, first thing she asked (after how I was feeling) is “have you felt the baby move?” Sadly, I responded, no. She told me not to worry, that at 17 weeks its not unheard of and that I will most likely feel around 20 or so weeks. Well, it was only on Tuesday, that I *think* I felt the baby move. I was at work, mid-afternoon and working on a spreadsheet (I am always working on spreadsheets) that I felt this feeling of someone brushing the inside of my belly. It took me back. My first thought was that it was gas, but that day I was gas free (which lately is unheard of). I put my hand on my belly and nothing. So, I went back to numbers and calculations (no I am not in accounting), and I felt it again. Again, surprised by this strange feeling, I had to assume it was the baby. The midwife said that it would be flutters then eventually I would feel more movement, this was not a flutter. This was a brush, scrape, arm, leg, maybe even a butt. Oh gosh, just the thought of it makes me glow! These strokes are not often, mainly mid-afternoon and at night when I am on the lazy-boy (or girl – 2 thumbs pointing at me). Its the same feeling, the grazing of a limb. It is pretty cool, and still so unreal. I am EVER so grateful and I am sorry, little one, I have complained that you make me feel so ill. I talked to a co-worker today, and told her about it; she said yes, that is your baby. I will take her word for it, since she just returned from maternity leave; all that new stuff is still fresh in her mind.

I would say that I have a bump. It’s quite interesting to notice in the mirror or when I look down. Good news, my quad blood test came back negative and our ultrasound is the day before Thanksgiving. I need to get on gathering my supplies for the surprise for the grandparents. Nothing too crazy, but I am going to frame ultrasound pictures for them, with either I am a boy or a girl, if little one decides to show the goodies. 😉 I want to buy some nice frames, so they can reuse for future photos of their grandbaby.

Tomorrow, we head to the lovely Pittsburgh. I am looking forward to a quick jaunt for a celebration of our friends big 4-OH! Hopefully, my energy stays up and I am not yawning at 9 PM!

Cheers to happy momma, happy baby.

 

 

17 weeks

How far along? 17 weeks

Total weight gain: 6 lbs (Whoa! I guess I made up for lost time)

Stretch marks? None

Sleep: Still sleeping like a baby.

Best moment this week: Realizing I am almost half way through my pregnancy.

Miss Anything? Food that taste like it suppose to, I still have that issue, that food is just energy. Nothing tastes the same.  

Movement: Nothing, yet. Every time I think it’s something, its gas. Whomp, whomp.

Food cravings: Still potatoes. Hate to admit it, but McDonald’s French fries.  

Gender: Unknown but u/s is scheduled for 11/21. Day before Turkey day!

Labor Signs: No

Symptoms: Only symptoms is food not tasting the same. Otherwise, I think I am the glory of pregnancy.

Belly Button: in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? On

Happy or Moody most of the time: Starting to get happier, still a bit moody.

Looking forward to: Thanksgiving. Having more of a bump. Finding out the gender.

I had the realization last night, while talking to my mom, I am almost half way through my pregancy. What?! How, when did this happen. The last 3 months are a blur, a green nauseous blur. But I am here, pregnant with a BABY! Yes, it is FINALLY starting to sink in. I had another midwife appointment on Monday and everything is where it should be, except my weight. Baby’s heartbeat is still going strong averaging about 150 bpm. Uterus is right under my bellybutton and the midwife seemed pretty happy with everything. She did say that if I have a significant jump in weight that will not be good. Well, I think I am fine, considering I barely gained anything in 3 months, and my body caught up. I didn’t tell her McDonalds french fries are my best friend. In all honesty, I have been eating better. I have been incorporating brown rice, vegetables, and protein. Although, the meat needs to be CUT up in tiny pieces, because the thought of eating meat, gnawing on the meat, makes me want to vomit!

One anxiety I have been having is money. How in the world are we going to pay for everything? My husband is cheap. I will say it outright, some may sugar coat it, as frugal, but he is cheap. He always has to find a deal. EBay and outlet malls are his favorite places to shop. I get it, I understand it, and I even do it, especially, when it comes to clothes. As a seamstress, I refuse to pay full price for things, unless its high quality and can last me years. (But then again, I hate places like Target, Old Navy, the Gap for clothes, cheap, cheap fabrics with non flattering shapes – I refuse to spend 30 bucks for polyester knit dress from Old Navy that will pill and fall apart after 2 washes). So, yes I am a bargain shopper when it comes to clothes or even purses. Shoes, I don’t mind spending a bit more money for quality well made shoes. Anyway, I am getting on a tangent. So, the darling hubs has been fighting me tooth and nail for reusing HIS crib and that everything we need should be bought on craigslist. Don’t get me wrong, we have bought things on craigslist for a deal! Brand new, in most instances. So, yesterday I finally had it with is instance on used, used, and more used things. I said to him this is about compromise and I am not going to budge on the safety of things, so we will need to make a list and go through it. Done. This is my one and only baby, and I am not going to sacrifice things just because he got a deal on it or it was free.

Other than that, not much else going on in my world. I feel life is going fast, but slowing down at the same time. My weeks are flying by, but I still feel like it’s taking forever. And by “this”, I mean my bump. Sure, pants don’t fit me and sometimes I will wear something and look pregnant, but other times I just look chunky. So, I am waiting patiently for my baby to grow, and bump to show. The midwife says I have nothing to worry about. I just hope all is well inside there. Strong heartbeat is a good sign, I suppose I am looking forward to seeing baby on screen and the tech to tell me, baby is right where s/he needs to be.

Guesses on the sex??? 

Fall days

We had a few last days of warmer temps, but now the air is crisp. Inhaling the fresh chilly air is exhilarating. The change brings promises and hope of the future.

I am not a blogger

This is apparent because I have not updated in too long of time – almost a month!

This week is my 15th week. I can finally say that the nausea is dissipating. I still have some episodes, but they are always in the evening. But when it does come on, it comes fast and furious, but I will take that over the everyday stuff. I did have another prenatal appointment that my husband was able to attend, and we heard the heartbeat! Nice and strong in the 150’s. The midwife said everything feels good – uterus is where it should be and heartbeat is good. One thing, I suppose I didn’t expect, were the questions. The ones we were suppose to bring with. To be honest, at first I didn’t have any, but I have not paid too much attention to the pregnancy, that nothing came up, except for the genetic testing. I was a bit perturbed, because we missed the first trimester screening. At my first appointment, the midwife (different about every time I go), said that I would get the order at the next appointment. When I went, she said that I would have to get it done within the week and that was pushing it. So, we decided to just do the blood test at my next appointment. I will also get my “20 week” ultrasound order. Yes! We want to know the sex. My inkling is a girl, but I could be wrong. I say that because I want a girl, so my mind might be playing tricks on me. Ultimately, I want a healthy baby, so whatever God intended for me to raise, I will do my best at it (coughgirlcough).

I am starting to tell work that I am pregnant. Everyone seems to be happy for me. I was a bit nervous, but no one has eluded otherwise. I couldn’t hold it back anymore, pants are not zippering and I need to let out my gut, so I am starting to look pregnant without trying. Speaking of work, I have been so busy, these weeks are flying by (but ironically, my pregnancy seems slow), hence the lack of posts. At my last job, I had more time. 😉

How far along? 15 weeks

Total weight gain: 3 lbs (which is surprising to me, since I have not been eating well at all)

Stretch marks? None – but I have been lathering up with almond oil and Bio-oil.

Sleep: Still good, except this past weekend woke up on the weekend at 6 AM on the dot.

Best moment this week: Officially being in the second trimester and telling work people – no more hiding.

Miss Anything? Clothes that fit.

Movement: None, but I am trying every night to see if I can feel anything.

Food cravings: Potatoes, more specifically fries.

Gender: Unknown

Labor Signs: No

Symptoms: Nausea still there, but slowing going away. Heartburn, but not daily and starting to get hungry more often.

Belly Button: in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? On

Happy or Moody most of the time: Moody all the time.

Looking forward to: Cooking again. I have not done much of it, due to my nausea.

Goal for the week: Incorporate some exercise, I need to start my yoga video.

11 weeks and going strong

We are back from vacation and I have started my new job. Everything has been a bit overwhelming. I am 11 weeks and baby is still there, as s/he is making me sick. My nausea has switched to night time, right at dinner time until I can fall asleep. I am grateful that the daytime stuff is gone, that was making me miserable and with the new job, that would be difficult to mask. Although, the nighttime stuff, is hitting me hard. If I can make it through another few weeks, I think I will be in the clear, at least that is what everyone is telling me.

One thing I am kind of bummed about, I have not taken belly pictures. I have been so much in a cloud and not feeling well, the last thing I want is a photograph to commerate it. We are going out this weekend, I am going to set up the timer and try to get a good one. I did want to do that, the growing of the belly. Although, it’s just a solid blob right now, I just look fat. Oh well, I am just going to tell people I am getting ready for winter. HA! I did have to buy a belly band, as I can no longer take buttons buttoned and on some pants, no zippers up. I really should just wear dresses, but I am SO lazy regarding that! (Even though, I have quiet a few dresses).

Cheers to fall and feeling better – and 12 WEEKS! I could cry at that statement! Love ya baby, can’t wait to hear your heartbeat in a few weeks.